Photo by Andraz Lazic on Unsplash
As I continue on this journey. I wish I could call it a healing journey, but I’m not quite there yet.
Until I get there, because I am certain I will, it will go by the name Journey of sorrow.
Every morning I wake up I feel okey, but within five minutes I feel some sort of a punch in my stomach and i feel nausea.
It follows with heavy anxiety and tears burning behind my eyelids.
I’m sure this feeling will fade eventually, at least that is what I’m wishing for.
But right now it’s like a wet heavy blanket laying all over me.
He has showed more tenderness towards me, which makes me feel safe.
And that’s something I’ve been craving all of our relationship. I just figured he wasn’t that kind of a man.
I’m trying to create my own new approach to all of this. I am, and have always been, an overthinker.
Only this time I have chosen it to be a strength instead of a weakness.
I am not who I was ten years ago. I know I can handle a lot of damage, but I am uncertain if our relationship can handle it.
As I mentioned before, his ex wife has been a part of our relationship since day one.
I have multiple times felt the need to break up because of her and her ways to get in the middle of us.
Stupid as I am, I stayed. At least I didn’t know they were having a flirtatious text party over in their corner.
The things that make me feel so broken right now is the fact that he lied.
All those times when I saw here name on his phone screen and he just swiped the notifications away.
That he made me feel exaggerated and jealous. All of this has made me feel so unattractive and completely worthless.
All those memories, talks and experiences we shared together. Was it all lies?
Those moment I felt seen by him a bit extra, was it always after her sending him a dirty picture or a flirtatious text?
I have so many questions. But will I ever get any answers?